Were-Animals That Are Radder Than Werewolves

Werewolves are bullsh*t. That's just how it is, baby, deal with it. Twilight has made werewolves embarrasing. There was a time when werewolves were awesome mindless killing machines who took what they wanted when they wanted it. They had an unquenchable hunger for human meat, and looked all. Thanks to Twilight werewolves are now just shirtless teenage guys who get all sad when a woman rejects them. You know what a werewolf would do to a woman who rejected him before Twilight? Nothing. Because she wouldn't have a chance to reject him because he would already have eaten her. So. Now we need new were-animals to replace werewolves, since werwolves are crap now. Here are the best choices for that lofty task:

Were-Shark

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How scary is a shark already? Now change that to a guy turning into a giant muscular land voracious shark when the moon is full. The only thing that takes away from the fear were-sharks inspire is that they die almost instantly from suffocation when their transformation is complete.

Were-Hummingbird

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Imagine a werewolf with all the killing power of a traditional werewolf, plus the ability to fly so fast your eyes can't even keep up with it. Welcome to the endless torrent of death that is the Were-hummingbird.

Were-Werewolf

At midnight when the moon is full he turns into your typical werewolf, giant teeth, huge, terrifying, and stalks the night looking for victims. Then, right around 2:00 something in the morning, he turns into this assh*le:

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Were-Koopa-Troopa

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Under the cover of night he stalks from left to right, right to left, and back again; hoping against hope that Mario will not jump on him and turn him into a were-shell.

Were-Taylorlautner

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Bitten by a wild Taylor Lautner, the victim is cursed to wander the darkness, Half-man, Half-Taylor Lautner, in search of low-rent action-movie roles.

Were-Blastoise

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I was going to write something clever about were-blastoise, but I was too busy licking the computer screen for the rest of my natural life.

Were-Human-Baby

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